They say grief comes in waves, and it's absolutely true. Grief can be overwhelming, all consuming and exhausting. It has been 6 months since my Mom passed, and I'm still adjusting. We've gone through winter, spring and summer and as we move into fall it feels like she passed so long ago, but at the same time it feels like it happened a few days ago. I guess I'm shocked that six months have passed and I'm still standing and figuring this all out. Grief has surprised me in many ways. I thought I would share my journey so far. Grief is not something we tend to talk about, and everyone goes through it in their own way. When you lose someone, in those first weeks, it seems like everyone wants to help but as the months go by, it seems like they've all moved on and you're hesitant to bring up your emotions.
Those first few weeks, I went through sheer panic. This wasn't "I'm sad" it was panic, absolute panic over the fact that I would never see my Mom again. I would have to switch my mind as fast as possible because I didn't think I could deal with that emotion. It would wash over me, and it felt crippling. I felt like I couldn't breath. I tried so hard to push the panic away. That emotion itself scared me. I knew I couldn't stay in that state of mind, or it would take over. The trauma of the hospital is something I'm still not over. Six months later, and it still haunts me. Over the course of a few days, my Mother completely changed. Her pallor changed, her body changed and I will never forget how her hands felt when I held them. The machines were terrifying but her body shutting down was also physical and I could see those changes without doctors saying anything. I never thought I could stay in the room when they shut the machines off, but I did. I'm proud that I did.

In the first couple of weeks, I felt like my Mom had to occupy my mind every single minute of the day. If I was doing something and remembered that I wasn't thinking of her, I felt guilty that she wasn't on my mind. If I had a decent day, I felt guilty. I've been coming to terms with this and I've gotten much better, but that guilt was not something that I expected. When you're going through such a difficult time, the days still come and go and I was left with alot of guilt. My Mom would have wanted me to take care of my family and myself but I felt like I was moving on too quickly. If she was watching me from Heaven, would she know how much I hurt or would she think I just got over her death so quickly. It doesn't make sense but that's where the guilt came from. I didn't want my Mom to think I moved on so fast, I wanted her to know I missed her incredibly.

Holidays, birthdays and the days leading up to them were the worst for me. I would start to get anxiety about how I will feel on those days and ultimately I felt worst on the days before. This has been six months of "firsts" without her and it's hard. Even when a little thing comes up, and I know my Mom would be the one person who would understand me, it hits me that's she's gone. I packed up some of her clothes, and I stood strong but I crumbled after. It bothered me for days. 

At this six month mark, I have to reassure myself that this is still very new. I'm still adjusting and I need to go through this process. There is no timeline, and self care is very important. It's important to communicate because it feels like everyone is doing okay, but they're probably still hurting- like me. Don't assume how others are doing, because you really don't know.

I've come to the conclusion that this really is about adjusting, not moving past it. In time I will find peace, but i'm not there yet. It's coming, but not yet. I will always miss her, I will always wish she were here. You expect to lose a parent when you're older and ready, but you won't be ready. Your world shifts and feels so delicate, you feel like it can shatter at any time. I've had weeks where I thought I was doing really well, and then another wave will come. I need to let them come, and I will allow myself to go through this process. If it's been months since someone passed, and you're going through a wave of grief- talk about it. You're not alone. If the person you're talking to doesn't seem to understand, they probably haven't lost such a significant person in their life. It's okay, they don't have to understand but someone who has gone through this will understand.